I had read somewhere that once you start learning from your mistakes, they aren’t called mistakes anymore…. They turn into life lessons.
Boy, do I have some lessons to impart to you people?
I’ll tell you about my first love. I was 18, fresh out of school and thrusted into the college of medical science. Wide curious eyes, young heart filled with hope and some pretty big dreams. Can’t believe while writing this the present me is feeling sorry for my past me.
Anyway, I met a boy and fell hard in love and it was over the internet. Yes, go ahead and start laughing. It’s like you motherfuckers haven’t done anything stupid in your teenage years right?
So it was a long distance relationship. But you know what the best part was? I didn’t fall in love with his face, with his money, with his dressing sense or all the glitz and glam that comes with new relationships. The need to prove yourself to your partner in every aspect. No… I fell in love with his words, his voice, his ability to make me laugh over thousand miles.
Funny how people who were so close to me never understood me but this stranger who lived so so far away understood my every minute emotion. And I was just 18… So I gave him my heart.
We were in a relationship for 4 years… And during those 4 years .. We broke up 2 times. First, when he refused to give me some sort of permanent commitment and second, when he told me he had fallen for someone else and had been seeing her behind my back for a month.
Have you ever been in that state where nothing in the world matters anymore? There is so much going on internally that a nuclear bomb could be exploding outside and you don’t even have a single Fuck to spare. And oh man the devastation. The devastation over the fact that someone you love so so so much could backstab you in such a bad way.
But still, I always came back to him. I always always came back to him… And he to me. Broke up with his ex, asked for my forgiveness and instead of jumping into the relationship… We would talk like normal friends and flirt and yeah all the shenanigans of being a couple without calling yourself a couple.
There were episodes where we would talk for months straight and then there were episodes where there would be radio silence for months.
He had become an addiction. You know it’s bad for you, you know in the end you’ll end up on your deathbed with a shitload of regret but nope… Your fucking ass doesn’t want to give it up.
I was like that hamster running on a wheel. Making same mistakes, forgiving, not learning how to give up.
A month ago, a day after my birthday, I found out something about him that was enough to snap my faith in love. No, he wasn’t gay.. That would have hurt less. But no… He had been seeing his ex, for whom he broke up with me for 2 years. Kicker? The ex-was married. Another kicker? She didn’t know about me. Another kicker? He was cheating on both of us at the same time.
I know I don’t have a right to complain as we weren’t exclusive but he knew how much I loved him. Didn’t I atleast deserve some truth?
And when I confronted him… That motherfucker turned into John Snow with every answer being “I don’t know”.
That day, I finally gathered my senses and blocked his ass on every social media account and more importantly, blocked him from my heart.
Do I hate him? Maybe yes, maybe no. More than mourning for the loss of love, I am mourning for the loss of my friend. I just wish he had come clean to me, been honest with me. I knew he never loved me but I knew that he knew how much I loved him.
I just wish he had been upfront about his relations and trusted me a little to not judge him over it.
Make sure that your first relationship isn’t a long distance relationship. And if it is then have courage to face shitstorm that will come to your way because relationships aren’t easy and that too a long distance one.
Understand your strengths and your limitations. Don’t suppress yourself to make your partner look good. That will just ruin your self-confidence and your self-worth.
Don’t put unnecessary expectations on yourself and your partner. Learn how to take things slow.
Trust your intuition especially when it tells you that it’s time to cut your motherfucking ties. Don’t fall back into the trap. It’s tough, specially with 1st love and all but bring that strength from within and have friends on whom you can fall back on. Trust me, they are like exorcists of bad relationships.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Don’t lose yourself and don’t forget yourself.
Never ever go for revenge sex or rebound relationships after getting out of a relationship because that shit is bad. It’s like a sinkhole and you’ll only fall deeper.
It might feel like it’s the end of the world but don’t shut your heart out. It’s scary to think about putting your trust out again and even thinking of loving someone else all over again but try not to be afraid and try to have proper communication with your nest partner.
I am out of lessons for now but I know myself. With the amount of mistakes I commit I might as well open a fucking university for life lessons.
Take care people and don’t be afraid of falling in love….